Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Lie? Suffering ? Tortured or just Happiness?

i don't know why but sometimes I feel like my life's is a bit meaningless. Well, I'm not just trying to say that only 'MY' life is meanningless. I'm sure there' lots of other people out there that feel this way too. Hmm.. i think the only year that I've felt 'ALIVE' is in 2008. That was the year when i took the UPSR exam. Fo rsome reason I was in the happy lad. I mean, I finally got friends after like 3 years at that school and I've found love (for once) ^_^ and also the most important, is that my family (parents) put no pressure on me. Even though I've never gotten 5A's during the whole school years b4 the UPSR but they seem to beleive in me. How much I missed those precious memories. My friends ... *sigh*

But as soon as the school days was over. There seem to be a huge change in my life. I seem to returned back to where I was always alone. I was trap back in a dark corner where no one would help me as they pass by.. T-T .. the most tortureful year was last year 2009. How i hated those memories. Usually people say their junior years in middle school are the best memories but,.. not fo rme. For me, those were soo painful that I could hae cried for days the whol eyear long. t_t..

As I thought i was still going to be tortured for the next ew years of my life, then came this year 2010. The year which seemed to have saved my life from the suffering. I guess it al started when I decided to make changes. Well, I've decided ot chnage myself a long time ago but never had the courage. Cause I was scared, scared that I would be judged, scared that I would be critisized , and also scared that I would be hated. I always pretend to be strong but deep here, I know I'm just a weak girl who always needs support to survive. *sigh* Why can't I be strong like my friends who are not scared to speak their mind. I'm always too cautious when I do anything because I'm afraid, afraid that I'll hurt their feelings even in the most tiniest way, afraid that they would avoid me.

But this year, I've changed, I think I was able to express my self like how I am at home. It was a hard prosess but i did it. , even though I managed to express myself better a bit , to me that's a lot of progress.. I guess it's all thanks to my friends. Especially, Cuwa. when, i first saw her she seemed bright, cheerful and full happiness. I was so amazed to see her like that. I think she was one of the first person to start to open back my heart and made me realiazed that this world is not as cruel as I thought. One recess, my friend had forgotten that she was on duty , so she immediately left. So, there i was eating at the canteen alone. *sigh* -_-, suddenly, Cuwa and Fairy, you were like angels who rescued me from drwoning in the pit of darkness. Thank you so much. There, as I was eating. Cuwa said "Alone?, why didn't you tell us? Next time don't ever have recess alone". I was so shocked and surprised to hear her say that. I can't beleive that she would talk to me let alone 'force' me to never have recess alone. (I was so happy that day)

The next day, I thought it was all a dream so, I continued to have recess alone cause I thought that 'why should they waste their time to go with me ?'. But, then she caught me alone on recess. Can you imagine this? She scold me for not inviting her to recess and having recess alone. That time, I secretly pinched myself and knew I was not dreaming. Thank you so much. ... continue